Unsettled

This word sums up my life right now.  I was trying to sum it up into a word and a friend used it and I thought, yes, that is what I am.  Close to overwhelmed but, I’m not.  I’ve got it barely under control but that’s about it.  Running smooth? I’m lucky to have ‘it’ running at all.  ‘It’ would be life.  Holy, crap.  I thought I was ready to be full-time, take a graduate class, be a mom to a 2 year old, wife to my husband (sad how far down the list this has gotten), do all of my professional development, keep up a house, my blog, my reading ya know, stuff.

 

But man, it’s been rough.  On the work front, a lot is beginning of year stuff and the adjustment to an all day program.  I actually have less paid time during my day than every before.  Technically, 15 minutes before kids and 15 minutes after.  I also have rest time but that time should never be guaranteed and it varies each day.  We implemented a new note taking system which rocks, but I never have time to actually put the notes in the system we use.  Well, I could bring it home but I’m refusing until after I’m done with my graduate class.

 

Because, yeah, that class.  Oh good lord.  It is required by the state for me to take it within 5 years of graduating and you really need your own classroom to take this class because of the fieldwork.  So of course I put it off until like the last possible moment.  And it’s a lot of work.  Maybe if I was a person who could do a little here and a little there it would be better but I’m a person who sits down and busts out the assignment all at once.  And it’s pretty hard to accommodate my 4 year olds to some of the classwork. So I make a lot of shit up.  Yeah, bad example. 

 

So until I’m done with that class I try to really limit the amount of work I bring home because by the time I’m done parenting the child who is PISSED at her dad and I for being gone all day long now I have time to shower and then I have me time.  Sure, I could take some time from there, but NO I CANNOT.  I need me time.  I become very grouchy when this disappears.  Me time has always been catching up with my friends who no longer live near me on facebook, my blog, my internet friends and reading.  I now have to fit this until less than 2 hours a day.  So sadly, the blog has been the thing to suffer the most.  That and reading.   Which I kind of need in my life.

 

My house? Ugh.  I need someone to come clean it.  I’m too freaking tired to do it right and then it just gets worse and worse and the state of my dishes would offend most people.  I’m currently fighting over the hiring of a cleaning lady with my husband which is pissing me off.

 

Anywho, this is a big long whine.  But I have SO much going on that I never feel present ANYWHERE.  I’m not doing all I want to do with my students because I feel like I’m at this meeting or that meeting or planning for this assessment or this evaluation and I hardly get time to JUST DO WHAT I NEED TO DO.  I’m not feeling present with my child because I’m exhausted because I’ve been GO GO GO GO since 7:45 am and then the poor thing gets me at 5;00 and I’m ready to die.  I planned out an awesome 16 week training plan, but I’ve been too tired to actually start it.  I feel like I’m racing to the next step in the day and I just need it all to just stop.  Or I need extra hours in my day.  But that ain’t happening so I need to get a better hold on it.  But the unsettled turns quite quickly to overwhelming and that just sends me back to the couch, but I’m not a quitter and I need to fight out of this funk and get it together.

 

Unsettled is quickly turning me into something I don’t want to be.  Here’s to crawling slowly out and making the most of the next month.

 

Do you ever feel like you just aren’t accomplishing anything anywhere?